now this is what you don't see. when you pass me on the street i'll watch you until you come within a few feet of me to see if you look at me. then i'll say good morning. i'll wonder if you're going to work. my anxiety will rise alittle when i think about not working and the fact that i don't have a job despite endless efforts on job boards, job sites, networking, walkins and other methods. i don't have a beard because the friendship house gave me a couple of razors yesterday. i could have bought them but i'm on the poverty level austerity program. my face isn't weathered because i'm lucky enough to be able to go to drop in centers, resource centers, the friendship house and yes...the library to stay out of the elements. the clothes...from the deleware clothing bank, st. patricks church, the friendship house, and the family thrift store. when i smiled at you it wasn't because i am happy....i was just being polite. i'm homeless, jobless, no money and almost totally dependent on the good graces of others to survive. why would i be happy? i won't ask you for money because i do have alittle pride and self respect left and to be quite frank, i just don't like bothering people like that. i know it makes you feel uncomfortable whether or not you would give me any.
when i slept last nite it was at the mission. i slept on the chapel floor because the dorms are full to capacity. i like to sleep in the chapel because it's fewer people, more room, and it doesn't smell like 75 homeless men. breakfast was given to me by the mission thru the good graces of people who donate to them. the office...it's a resource center with computers loaded with windows xp....which i personally like. the cell phone...yeah...obama. i prefer to think of it as a republican phone though. dinner....yep...the mission. the church service...it's mandatory in order to stay there tonite.
tomorrow morning i'll wake up and do it all again. alittle more tired. alittle more anxious. alittle more psychologically weary. facebook is my enemy. i see people i know on there. they have no idea i'm homeless. i hope they never do. i'll keep struggling day to day. maybe struggling isn't the right work. endeavoring sounds better. but it's still a struggle. i'll keep searching for a job. i'll keep smiling at you when i pass you on the street and i'll continue to say good morning. but inside i'm sad and frustrated. sad isn't the right word either...but something akin to it. i don't wear my homelessness as a badge of honor. i wear it like i would a scar on my face. it's just there. i see you look at it. you're polite enough not to say anything....but you still look. you wonder sometimes why i have it. so do i. i can't make it go away just yet. but over time it will heal and become less noticeable. but no matter what happens now...that scar will always be there.
ok...i have to go...it's dinner time. see you around town